Jokes

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 10:14 am

A young couple, just married was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said
“That's right" said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family.
With that she flipped him her Knickers, and said' "Try these on" He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell" he said" I can't get into your knickers" she replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to be until your god damn attitude changes

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 10:15 am

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 12:21 pm

The Three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair, looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****G PORRIDGE YET

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 1:40 pm

Hope these jokes are brightening up your day, I have plenty more

If you are sick of me posting these jokes just tell me

So heres another 'Its a cracker'

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.

At his funeral his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.

It was a majestic and fitting tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity the man sitting next to him asked, "Excuse me but why are you laughing?"

I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

I'm a gynacologist ! "

iantheframer · Post by **iantheframer** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 2:14 pm

A teenage boy asks his granny: 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny: 'F**k the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 3:13 pm

Three ducks walk into a bar

"Say, what’s your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey", was the reply.

"How's your day been Huey?"

"Great, lovely day, had a ball, been in and out of puddles all day, what else could a duck want?", said Huey.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what’s your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great, lovely day, I’ve had a ball too been in and out of puddles all day myself, what else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Post by **prospero** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 3:35 pm

A chicken goes to the library to get a book for his friend the frog.

He walks in and goes around going "Book, Book, Book, Book". Eventually someone gives the chicken a book.

Takes it round to the frog. The frog takes a quick look at it and says..

"Reddit, Reddit, Reddit, Reddit".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

man goes into the Butchers and says, "I'd like a pound of steak and kidley please".

Don't you mean steak and kidney?" says the butcher.

"That's what I said, diddle I?", replies the man....

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 3:57 pm

I’ve just been to the gym and I was on this awesome machine. I only used it for about an hour and then I started to feel sick.

It's very good though as it's got Kit kat's, Malteser's, Mar's, Mini Cheddars and even Crisps....

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 6:24 pm

Are you fed up yet or do you want some more rib tickling action

[/img]

Roboframer · Post by **Roboframer** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 6:34 pm

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.

The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, ' Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said...

'I think so. As long as those w***ers at Travis Perkins deliver the ****ing bricks!"

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 6:41 pm

A man gets a phone call from the doctors, "It's about your wife", says the nurse, "What about her", says the hubby.

Well she's been in for tests and we've mixed up the results and we don't know if she's got Alzheimer’s or Aids", says the nurse.

"What shall I do", says the distraught hubby.

"Well if she finds her way home don't have sex with her"......

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 6:46 pm

Keep 'em comin' Gary - I need all the smiles I can get at the moment!

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 6:57 pm

Aine I will do my best to keep you smiling

So heres another one

A mans wife dies in Israel whilst on Holiday. The officials advise him, "We can bury your wife here for £150 or we can prepare and fly the body home for £15000.

The man says, "I want her flown home."

The official says, "Why pay all that money when you can have a perfectly good funeral here for £150".

The husband replies, "2000 years ago a man died in this country and three days later he rose from the dead, I just can't take that chance".....

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 7:27 pm

You star bunny!

Spit · Post by **Spit** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 9:51 pm

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Immediately, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Jade Goody. That evening, the man introduced Jade to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Jade cautiously and whispered sweetly in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Post by **prospero** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 10:12 pm

LaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffGufaw,etc.

A man has been stranded on a desert island for 20years. (minght have been the same man - who knows?). One day he is sitting on the beach when out of the sea comes a young woman in a wetsuit. She walks up to him. "Hello", she says. "What are you doing here?".
"I've been stuck on this island for 20 years and you are the first human soul I have seen in all that time." replies the man.
"Goodness!" says the woman. "That's a long time, would you like a smoke?". And she unzips her wetsuit a bit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, lights one up and gives it to the man.
He has a few drags and declares, "Blimey! They don't half make your head spin. That's the first ciggie I have had for 20 years!"
"What about a drink?" says the woman and unzips the wetsuit a bit more. She pulls out a bottle of scotch and gives it to the man. he takes a few gulps and says, "By heck! That hit the spot! That's the first drink I have had foer 20 years".
"You are very welcome", says the woman. "But tell me, when was the last time you errrrr.....played around?" And she unzips her wetsuit even further.
"Good God!", says the man. "What a remarkable woman you are". "Don't tell me you've got a set on golf clubs down there!"

Moglet · Post by **Moglet** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 10:35 pm

Fnar....!!!

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 11:25 pm

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

Post by **prospero** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 11:29 pm

There were two canibals and one says "I don't like your wife". To which the other replies, "Well just eat the chips".

Mr Bojangles · Post by **Mr Bojangles** » Fri 07 Mar, 2008 11:44 pm

Little Johnny’s class teacher was Mrs Smith, "Today", she said “we shall be playing the guessing game"

Mrs Smith took out a brown paper bag and described what was inside.

"What I have here is a plump object, it has two protruding areas and is very smooth". Johhny immediately puts his hand in the air but Mrs Smith opts to pick Mary instead "Is it ball keyring miss?"

"Sorry, no it is not, but I like your thinking" replied the teacher "It was a peach".

"As for my next object, it is also a smooth object, one which has a protruding tip at one end”, whispered Mrs Smith. Johnny threw his hand up in the air, only for the teacher to choose Greg who says "Is it an pen miss?"

"No" replies Mrs Smith "But I like your thinking." "It was an orange"

Johhny, was very angry at these snubs and piped up "Miss I've got something in my pocket, it is round , hard and has a head!" "Gosh Johnny" replied the teacher, "how rude"

"Its a 10p miss , but I like your thinking."