It's the way I tell them

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John
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It's the way I tell them

Post by John » Tue 19 Jan, 2010 12:47 pm

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
Chic Murray

Roboframer

Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by Roboframer » Tue 19 Jan, 2010 1:19 pm

I went to a jewellers

"I want to buy a watch"

"Analogue"?

"No, just a watch"

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Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by w00dward » Tue 19 Jan, 2010 3:02 pm

Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

Tweet.
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Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by Jonny2morsos » Tue 19 Jan, 2010 3:40 pm

Bloke from Nottingham takes his cat the the vet.

Vet says "is it a Tom?"

"No I brought it with me."

Roboframer

Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by Roboframer » Tue 19 Jan, 2010 4:33 pm

Guy goes to a jewellers in Wetherby (Best Yotkshire accents please)

"Ah'd lahk ye tah mek me a model o' me dog in reeeel gohld"

"D'ye want it eighteen carat"?

"Noh - ye daft a'peth - chewi'n bone"!

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Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by prospero » Thu 21 Jan, 2010 7:17 pm

Guy runs into a wild west saloon. "Hey you guys!", he shouts. "You'll never believe this, but some low-down varmint has strung up a horse right outside!"

"Oh that would be my horse", replies a cowboy at the bar. "He's a mustang."
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About

Roboframer

Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by Roboframer » Thu 21 Jan, 2010 7:50 pm

Same saloon - guy goes outside and his horse had been painted green.

Fuming, he kicks the doors open and yells "Which of you bastards painted my horse green"?

Guy - about six-foot-twelve stands up and says "ME - why"?

"Oh - er........just that it's ready for the second coat"!

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Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by prospero » Fri 22 Jan, 2010 2:31 am

A cowboy goes into the saloon looking for work. The barman points him to the local rancher sitting in the corner.

"Hi", says the cowboy. "Are you hiring at the moment? I'm a good worker"'. "Well....... ", syas the rancher. I do need some extra hands, but they will need to be plenty tough".""No problem", says the cowboy. "They don't come any tougher than me". "OK", says the rancher. "But I'lll need you to prove it. There are three tests....." ."I can do them", replies the cowboy.
"That remains to be seen", says the rancher. "First you have to drink a jug of rotgut wiskey in one go. Second, you have to kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands. Third you have to seduce the Judge's daughter". "No sweat!", says the cowboy and goes up to the bar, orders a jug of rotgut and downs it in one go. After that he staggers out of the saloon....
Three hours later he staggers back in, clothes all torn to shreds and covered with blood and anounces in a slurred voice, "Right! Where's this Judge's daughter I gotta kill".
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About

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Re: It's the way I tell them

Post by Spit » Sat 23 Jan, 2010 9:03 pm

A ventriloquist was driving through Wales when his car broke down. He walked a bit and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. The farmer moaned a bit but agreed. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real seriously dull rural type, so the ventriloquist, a bit of a practical joker, thought he would have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yes." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "No." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they all lie!"
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