mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex
game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses
stuck up his rear end.

Doctors described his condition as "stable".

[barefaced framer]

Was it a nasty dose of the trots

[Roboframer]

A guy (called Mikey as it happens ...... and I know 'as it happens' is a very unusual surname) decides to become a Monk, but the only vacancies are at a silent Monastery where speech is banned. That suits Mikey, as it happens, just fine.

The monks are allowed to speak every seven years though.

Seven years pass and the Abbot visits Mikey in his room, (which would make a Turkish prison cell look like a suite in the Ritz) ....

"Brother Mikey, how have your first seven years been"?

"Father Costello, they have been wonderful, just one small problem though"

"What would that be, Brother Mikey"?

"There is a small pane missing from my window and in the Winter it gets very cold"

"No problem, I'll get it sorted, would you like an extra blanket as well ....... don't answer, your time is up, just nod or shake your head"

Mikey nodded his head.

Seven years pass.

"Ah, Brother Mikey, how have your second seven years been"?

"Not bad Father, but no-one came to fix that window and I think that if you had not given me that extra blanket, I'd be dead from hypothermia by now"

"Oh dear, I will personally see to it that your window gets fixed"

Seven years pass.

"Brother Mikey, how have your third seven years been"?

"Absolute Hell, Father - the guy that came to fix my window was a gay rapist and took advantage of me over a period of 18 months, why did no-one wonder why it might take that long just to fix a window? He only left because I wouldn't speak to him and when he did he smashed the window, and so for the past 18 months it's been ........."

"Brother Mikey - I am going to have to ask you to leave the Brotherhood"

"WHAT - why? Because I have been raped"?

"No, Brother Mikey, because you have been here twenty one years and done F**** ALL BUT COMPLAIN"

[mikeysaling]

how dya know i was a monk - never tolled anyone

[Roboframer]

Well, I used to work for a glazing firm and .........

[mikeysaling]

Little Johnny ... again !!.

.... .... ......... ....................... ...... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I'd like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development."
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, to get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anna"

Anna: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't
have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anna! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is
a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks:

"Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"

As all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave, Little Johnny says,
"Hold it girls, it hasn't opened yet!"

[mikeysaling]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE

WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO TH E COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE

CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS

IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING

WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO

A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,

I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[mikeysaling]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
> The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
>
> "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
>
> "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
>
> "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
>
> "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
> "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
>
> "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
> "I'm a plasterer."
>
> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
>
> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
>
> The same thing happens for two weeks.
>
> Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
>
> "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
>
> So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
>
> "I'm always looking for the next job," says the Duck. "Where is it?"
>
> "At the circus," says the barman.
>
> "The circus?" repeats the duck.
>
> "That's right," replies the barman.
>
> "The circus?" the duck asks again. "with the big tent?"
>
> "Yeah," the barman replies.
>
> "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
>
> "Of course," the barman replies.
>
> "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
>
> "That's right!" says the barman.
>
> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> "What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"
>
>
>
>
>
>

[mikeysaling]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know exactly where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I've been in jail.."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "You know Alexis, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'"

[mikeysaling]

got nothing against gays - just had to laugh at this - take it in the spirit

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially
inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his a##e!"

[Odems]

I see the blondes are good in England too......

[mikeysaling]

you should see our essex blondes - wear their shoes behind their ears

[mikeysaling]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is: Fiji Islands

[mikeysaling]

A mullah(muslim) was seated next to a famous footballer on a flight.. After take off, the famous footballer asked for a scotch;

The hostess then turned to the mullah and asked him if he’d like a drink..

The mullah, clearly disgusted, replies: "I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than touch liquor."

Hearing this, the famous footballer hands back his drink to the hostess, and says:

Me too, I didn’t realize there was a choice!

[mikeysaling]

for all i know this may be a true story

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....


.. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!

[mikeysaling]

of course this may be true - you know your kids better than I.

FINAL EXAM
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A', so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought. Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[mikeysaling]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his Thomas the Tank Engine set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with Thomas, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

[mikeysaling]

RIDDLE

> > > You're lost and alone in the middle of a vast forest. All you
> have > with you is a soggy matchbox with a couple of broken matches
> left.
> > > > You have no food, no shelter and no hope of rescue. Who do you
> call?
> > > > > > > (scroll down for this!!!)










> > > > > > > > > > > > > > The Pakistan cricket team. They fix matches! > > > > > > > > Boom Boom!
> > > > > > > > > > > > > >

[barefaced framer]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin daylights out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[mikeysaling]

we may have to rename you ------ bare ars##d framer haha now back where you came from