mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

I trust you are all taking today off - hope this is not the reason

Happy Christmas all



[youtube]fx7aoEBtPXA[/youtube]

[mikeysaling]

Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar? How dairy!
I went to see Ready, Steady, Cook the other day. It was fantastic. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.
The Anthony Worrall Thompson diet, cheese and wine …..followed by porridge.
“Morning Sergeant”. ”Morning Constable”. ”What have you got for me today”. ” We have Anthony Worrell Thompson in possession of stolen cheese”. ”Right then lets grill him”
Feed your family for a fiver, suggested Jamie Oliver. Antony Worrall Thompson goes one better.
Antony Worrall Thompson stole some cheese and wine. And that was only for starters.
Wozza was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuffed inside Antony Worrall Thompson's jacket
Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. He's run out of dough.
There's no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're using the Worrall Thompson recipe book.
Lord Sugar - For someone who did it 5 times Antony Worrall Thompson should have got some thyme. One of the items in the basket was his own Cookery book
Chef Anthony Worrall Thompson is thinking about reviving his flagging career by taking up singing. Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams are said to be interested in forming a new super group, but are not sure about the name Take This Take That.

[mikeysaling]

puns for the educated -

Groans are aloud.

Puns for the educated....

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,
and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

-----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye
and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[mikeysaling]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to 'go away' - well, a bit stronger than that. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

[prospero]

The last one to ask me if I had any old clothes I told "Yes. I'm wearing them".

[mikeysaling]

Three quick ones

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might need a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive plaster, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the car you pulled over for speeding last week."

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to break wind. The music was really loud so I timed my flatulence with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. And suddenly I remembered -
I was listening to my iPod !!! (Music via head phones to the older generation)

[mikeysaling]

Just bought some counterfeit Mr. Kiplings .... I must say they are exceedingly good fakes.

[mikeysaling]

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

[mikeysaling]

My dad worked on the roadworks for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there

[mikeysaling]

Pregnant Prostitute

A doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you f##t?"

Have A Nice Day And Keep Smiling!!!!!!!

[mikeysaling]

Just popped into Westfields, Stratford today, next to the Olympic park. In the chemist they were selling commemorative Olympic condoms, available in Gold,Silver or Bronze colours. I was going to buy the gold ones, but Mrs H insisted I got the silver, said she was sick and tired of me coming first.

[cargeo]

thanks for the jokes guys, I'm pleased I put on my best corsets or I might have split my sides laughing

[mikeysaling]

Read to the end before making a judgement...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



*** THE SITUATION: ***

You are in London, England

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


*** THE TEST: ***

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is...It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook-handed ####### who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!




*** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER ***


Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

.
.

[mikeysaling]

I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

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Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

[mikeysaling]

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX:


Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:



Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite -confused.com !
.

[GeoSpectrum]

NFU Mutual?

[mikeysaling]

NFU Mutual?

national Farmers Union - sex with sheep !!!

[Roboframer]

I think Prince Harry is with Royal Exchange.

[mikeysaling]

An old Irishman was asked,



"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"



The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!



Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

[mikeysaling]

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr.Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".