Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the "Gripe Sheets" before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
mikey's jokes
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
nice one stanhol - may i 'borrow' !
how 'bout the rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know...'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
how 'bout the rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know...'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
Re: mikey's jokes
Sorry Mikey but I have to draw the line there. Nicking jokes off Bill Henry is just not cricket.mikeysaling wrote:
how 'bout the rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
sorry bout that - heres a home grown oldie
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
scroll down
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
wait for it
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
it's worth it.....trust me
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird."
--
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows
frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would
he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
scroll down
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
wait for it
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
it's worth it.....trust me
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"That was Thora Hird."
--
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
sunday papers
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, that explains why no one was at church either.
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, that explains why no one was at church either.
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
proof reading
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day. I called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do kids taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day. I called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do kids taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
gentle jokes for a monday
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!”
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..."I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!”
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..."I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
Re: mikey's jokes
Reverse Engineer Joke Quiz. 
#1: "it's the Gas man come to read the meter!"
#1: "it's the Gas man come to read the meter!"
Watch Out. There's A Humphrey About
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
if this gets me banned im going out with a bang !!! haha
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first
time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me
sum hot pink panties beefo’ I gets on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant
orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties......'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first.'
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first
time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl but I'm gunna wear me
sum hot pink panties beefo’ I gets on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant
orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties......'
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first.'
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
When I saw all the rioting on Tottenham high street I knew
I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn't go.
I'm in the job centre.
I had to find somewhere safe to hide where they wouldn't go.
I'm in the job centre.
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
After Quasimodo's death...
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he
had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church
steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )
' .................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
(. . . Wait for it ...)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he
had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church
steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )
' .................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked
breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
(. . . Wait for it ...)
(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER..'
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
Roboframer
Re: mikey's jokes
Qusaimodo is walking through a cemetery late at night. On the stroke of midnight Dracula appears.
"What's that on your back?" asks Dracula.
"It's a hump"
"I want it" says Dracula - and takes it - Quasi is healed!
The next night Quasimodo is down the pub and he's talking to his mate who's got a big birthmark on his face.
"I was walking through the cemetery last night and Dracula appeared at midnight and got rid of my hump. He might be able to do the same with you birthmark" so the guy with the birthmark goes through the cemetery. On the stroke of midnight Dracula appears.
"What's that on your face?" asks Dracula
"A birthmark"
"Don't you have a hump"?
"Sorry, no"
"OK - Have this one"
(My version involves a club foot and the devil - couldn't find it on the web though and didn't fancy typing it all out)
On a cold wet November morning Quasimodo could not sleep and decided to go for a swing around the turrets of Notre Dame cathedral.
On looking down he saw a body lying in the gutter and decided to investigate. It was a beautifull young girl and she was blotto.
Quasi decided that if he left her there she would catch pneumonia so he threw her over his shoulder and carried her to his garret. He tucked her into his little bed, then clumbed in beside her and fell asleep.
During the night she was very sick over quasi's back. Quasimodo, quite disgusted gave her a shake and asked her if she had been sick all over his back. The girl, sheepishly, admitted she had and apologised. Quasimodo said "Phew, thank God for that, I thought my hump had burst"
(My version involves a whore and is totally puke-worthy - see above)!
"What's that on your back?" asks Dracula.
"It's a hump"
"I want it" says Dracula - and takes it - Quasi is healed!
The next night Quasimodo is down the pub and he's talking to his mate who's got a big birthmark on his face.
"I was walking through the cemetery last night and Dracula appeared at midnight and got rid of my hump. He might be able to do the same with you birthmark" so the guy with the birthmark goes through the cemetery. On the stroke of midnight Dracula appears.
"What's that on your face?" asks Dracula
"A birthmark"
"Don't you have a hump"?
"Sorry, no"
"OK - Have this one"
(My version involves a club foot and the devil - couldn't find it on the web though and didn't fancy typing it all out)
On a cold wet November morning Quasimodo could not sleep and decided to go for a swing around the turrets of Notre Dame cathedral.
On looking down he saw a body lying in the gutter and decided to investigate. It was a beautifull young girl and she was blotto.
Quasi decided that if he left her there she would catch pneumonia so he threw her over his shoulder and carried her to his garret. He tucked her into his little bed, then clumbed in beside her and fell asleep.
During the night she was very sick over quasi's back. Quasimodo, quite disgusted gave her a shake and asked her if she had been sick all over his back. The girl, sheepishly, admitted she had and apologised. Quasimodo said "Phew, thank God for that, I thought my hump had burst"
(My version involves a whore and is totally puke-worthy - see above)!
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
some yorkshire jokes for you
A Yorkshire man took his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog died and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft twit!"
............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife died and the widower decided that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He called the stonemason, who assured him that the headstone would be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stonemason called the widower to say that the headstone was ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower got there he took one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He exploded: "'Ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stonemason apologised profusely and assured the poor widower that it would be rectified the following morning.
Next day came and the widower returned to the stonemason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you."
The widower looked at the stone and then read out aloud: "E, she were thin."
............................................................................
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asked chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replied "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
............................................................................
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum!"
A Yorkshire man took his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog died and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft twit!"
............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife died and the widower decided that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He called the stonemason, who assured him that the headstone would be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stonemason called the widower to say that the headstone was ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower got there he took one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He exploded: "'Ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stonemason apologised profusely and assured the poor widower that it would be rectified the following morning.
Next day came and the widower returned to the stonemason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you."
The widower looked at the stone and then read out aloud: "E, she were thin."
............................................................................
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asked chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replied "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
............................................................................
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ectasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum!"
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!"
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!"
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this:
It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
It works like this:
It is a well-known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, anybody moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:" Why is it so quiet?? OMG!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
The old ones are the best - i can remember this from school
3 Sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.
Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."
Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's,....
they're massive!"
3 Sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny.
Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.
Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13.
Ann and Jan went on a double date.
Amazed, one of the boys said, - "God, you two have big feet."
Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's,....
they're massive!"
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.
-
mikeysaling
- Posts: 1557
- Joined: Mon 08 Mar, 2010 3:53 pm
- Location: braintree essex
- Organisation: sarah jane framing
- Interests: astronomy medals photography
- Contact:
Re: mikey's jokes
Cheap flights
>
>
>The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
>
>I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
>
>"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
>
>That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
>
>
>Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
>
>I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
>
>"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
>
>That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
>
>
>Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?
>
>
>
>
when all is said and done - there is more said than done.