The Great Framers Forum Novel

[prospero]

It was a dark and stormy night. Outside the workshop window an owl hooted. As Fred the framer decided he had done enough for one day there came a knock on the door. "Whoever can that be?", he thought. he went to the door and opened it an inch and peered out into the rain. In the dim orange glow of a streetlight he could just make out a figure dressed all in black holding a large box......




(carry on. )

[stcstc]

of cheap red wine, of and a cheap ass poster print under the other arm. dorris said can i come in, and can you do me a favour, have a rush job that needs to be cheap as chips and no mount needed.......

[Roboframer]

"Oh Dorris" said Fred "You are awful .... but I like you; come in, you'll find some plastic beakers in the kitchen, pour the drinks and I'll fire up the compressor"

She came in, he locked the door behind them, somewhere a clock chimed midnight ......

[prospero]

Meanwhile, inside an orbiting space vehicle, strange creatures looked down on this small framing workshop and struggled to intellectualise exactly what these primitive creatures were doing....... Whatever it was they didn't look kindly on it.

[David McCormack]

....... and Mr Gray rolled over in his sleep and stretched out his arm. The cold pillow against his forearm woke him from his restless sleep. He turned on the bed side lamp. “Doris” he shouted, “Oh no Doris you haven’t have you?”. He reached under the bed, but it had gone. Doris had taken her portrait to be framed. He ran downstairs and straight out the front door shouting “Doris Doris” but a strange light high in the sky caught his attention. The light got bigger and brighter “What the ...........”

“Lovely wine Doris” “Lovely beakers Fred” Now lets have a look at your picture. “Why have you never shown anyone this before?” asked Fred as he gazed at the beautiful young face in the picture. "The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have shown in it the secret of my own soul." Said Doris Gray”.........

[Roboframer]

"Right" said Fred, "I can sort that, I'll set it back in a box frame and use non-reflective glass, you know, the same sort of stuff you have in your bathroom windows so no-one can see in ................ er ..... is that your husband looking through the window .... OMG he's NAKED! ...

[Framerpicture]

“He's naked except for those soft ripped jeans" said Doris excitedly . "Jeez, he looks so freaking hot,I'd like to tie this up sooner rather than later?"

"Well, I'd normally recommend dry mounting for situations like this" said Fred desperately trying to avert his eyes "But there will be an extra charge"

“Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing" retorted Dorian through the half opened window

This was a man in need. His fear was naked and obvious, but he's lost. . As Dorian tried to get in through the window, somewhere in his darkness he felt a small prick. Doris had been delayed trimming her bush due to the bad weather and her addiction to inuendo bingo.....

[Framerpicture]

Inside the orbiting space vehicle the occupants had just interpreted their next set of instructions from the high command.

"Were supposed to imerse ourselves in British culture" uttered one of the extraterrestial's to the other.

"Ok, I checked their internet and the quickest soloution looks like we need a bath and enough yogurt to fill it"

[Framerpicture]

After clambering through the window Dorian stood at Freds counter admiring the portrait .

"Now" said Fred tentativiley, bracing himself to deal with yet another eccentric customer, "I think a grey mount would be good"

"I believe grey is the new black" said Dorian confidently "what choice do you have?"

"Grey is indeed very popular at the moment, we have 50 shades" replied Fred thumbing through his mount chevrons.


Meanwhile on the orbiting space craft the extraterrestials,hungry to learn more of the creatures that lived below,had hacked in to Fred's visulisation programme.
The small grey aliens, with large, tear-shaped black eyes were jumping up and down with excitement at seeing so many shades of their favourite colour.

"I think we'll be welcome here, they seem to love greys"

[Framerpicture]

"So" said Fred reiterating Dorians instructions "There's a fine line between Dove and Slate?"

"Yes Yes" snapped Dorian "The color grey is often associated with aging or the passage of time, it's just what I'm looking for"

"Where are you going to hang this?" enquired Fred as he entered the details in to Est Lite

"It will take pride of place in my attic" relied Dorian

Doris looked perplexed.

[Framerpicture]

In their bid for global domination the aliens had decided that they would infiltrate planet Earth by becoming picture framers.

"Why picture framing?" enquired one alien to the other

" Because Fred has led us to a mass of infomation that other framers are happy to just give away" replied the other alien " There's one in every town, its cheap to set up and most importantly it doesn't matter what you look like"

"Were going to need Earth names, I think I'll be Macbeth" said the more feminine of the aliens " According to Keith the forum is looking for females"

" And so I blend in more easily I shall be John" said the other

[Framerpicture]

Dorian seemed decidely happy now he was being leading Doris up the garden path.

" For a conversation framer, Fred didn't say much? " enquired Doris

" You know Doris, sometimes, less is more" replied Dorian sardonically " Now, how do you feel about a bit of life modelling?"



Fred was shutting down his computer when he thought he would just have a quick glance at the Framers Forum.

[Framerpicture]

Fred was reading the new posts on the Framers forum when he came across one in Introductions.

'Just saying hello' read the title. Fred clicked on the link and was taken to a post from Macbeth.

'Hello all', started the post, I've just been made redundant as a space technician and have always had an interest in art so thought I would take up an allied trade. Hoping you can all give me lots of help as I'm new to this and have a lot to learn, after all picture framing isn't rocket science.

Three members had already replied, welcoming Macbeth to the forum.

Fred was just about to reply when he looked across to check their location- The words jumped of the page at him - Crazies Hill - Thats where Fred's shop was.

[prospero]

"Don't say the name of the Scottish framer!!!", cried Doris. "It is bad luck!".

"That's in the theatre", replied Fred. "It doesn't work anywhere e....." His words were cut off abruptly. As was Fred himself.

[Framerpicture]

'This is our oppurtunity' said John excitedly to Macbeth 'Fred's been cut off somewhere near his prime, we need to act quickly"

"Data data everywhere, but not a byte to eat" muttered John as he tried to update the high command with this exiciting news.

[Framerpicture]

"Are you sure this is the right date?" asked Macbeth
"Thats what high command told me, 21/12/2012" replied John
"Oh well, it's not the end of the world" replied a sullen Macbeth

[Framerpicture]

'It's all gone a bit quiet since the celebration of that guys birthday'' said Macbeth

'Strange creatures these humans' replied John 'same pattern every year apparently, next thing is they get attacked by a parasite, comes twice a year,and if there's anything left in the bank account,it just takes it.