Something for the weekend?

[prospero]

Aberdonian woman goes into newspaper office. Says to the girl behind the counter. " I want to put an announcement in the paper to let people know my husband has died" The girl says " What would you like to say?" " Peter Anderson died" comes the reply. "I'm not made of money" The girl behind the counter says" You can have up to 6 words free. Wouldn't you like to add a bit more." "OK" says the woman "Peter Anderson died. Volvo for sale"

I think that was a converted Jewish joke. Or am I being pychosemitic already?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men have a carpentry business. One is called John Wood and the other Samuel Plank.

John Wood dies and goes up to heaven. After a while he misses his old mate Sam, so he goes to St. Peter and asks if he can return to the earthly realm to visit. "Alright", says St. Pete. "But you must come back up before midnight".

So John flies down to earth in search of his chum. When he gets there he finds out that Sam has sold the carpentry biz and has opened a nightclub, so he goes along. As luck would have it, it's fancy dress night so John does not look out of place with his wings and shining vestments. He meets up with his friend and they have a good old talk about the old times and get pissed. Suddenly John realises the time...... 3 mins to twelve. In a panic that he will get locked out of heaven he makes his apologies and rushes off. Gets to the pearly gates with seconds to spare. St. Peter is standing there looking angry. "Only just made it. And look at the state of you. Haven't you forgotten something?". John thinks for a moment and then says.....

"Oh bugger! I left my harp in Sam Plank's disco"






That's all Folks.

[Moglet]

Cracker!

[John]

Al Capone left his brand new spats outside his hotel room for cleaning. A short while later he heard a scratching sound, opened the door and found a stray cat scratching and chewing on the shoes.

Enraged, he got out his tommy gun and stitched the hotel corridor with bullets. But he missed the cat. So he sent out his henchmen to find it...

Several hour later there's a knock at the door and a bedraggled henchman, covered in cuts and scratches and pointing at a hissing and squirming cat says:

"Pardon me Al, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

[prospero]

LaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaffLaff.

No more! People have got to use this chair after me.

[ross]

Milk bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake

He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Do you mean 2.5 gallons?

The blonde said "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked "do you want it pasteurised?"

The blonde said "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face."

[prospero]

Man goes into a pub....

While he is stood at the bar, a liitle chap comes hobbling in and orders a drink.

"Ppppppint of bbbbbitter p-p-p-please", he stutters. The landlord pulls a pint and says, " There you are Donkey".

Well the man is somewhat taken aback by this., so later he goes up to the stuttering man and asks, "Why do you come to this pub if the landlord insults you like that?".

"Oh it's alr-r-r-right", says the stuttering man.

"He-haw, he-haw, he-haw, he always calls me that."

[Ricky]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

[osgood]

Some really great jokes on this topic. Nearly had a terrible accident with a couple of them.

You probably have heard these, but they are my all time favs, now closely followed by the gyno's assistant joke!

1. Two Irish pilots were flying the regular Aer Lingus run from Dublin to Boston.

Mike, the senior pilot who has done the run on numerous occasions, is explaining to Paddy, the co-pilot on his first run to Boston, just how difficult the landing will be.

“Now Paddy, this runway, it’s very short. So you have to get the landing drill in exactly the right order. First it’s flaps down, then gear down, then hit the brakes as hard as you can the instant we touch the nose wheel, OK?”

For the last hour of the flight, Paddy is very nervous, and continually goes over the landing procedure under his voice. “Flaps down, gear down, brake hard when the nose wheel hits. Flaps down, gear down, brake hard when the nose wheel hits....”

The big moment comes, and the flight is on final when Mike tells Paddy “Now, Paddy!”

Paddy does it perfectly. Flaps down, gear down, wait for the nose wheel to touch then STANDS on the brakes while Mike hits full reverse thrust to bring the jet screaming to a halt inches from the end of the runway.

Pleased with his new partner’s performance, Mike looks at Paddy and grins. “See, I told you it was a short runway, didn’t I?”

“You did”, Paddy replies. “But look how f*#@in' wide it is, begorrah!”.
----------------------------------------
2. A duck rides up on a Harley, parks it and walks into the pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site down the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and gets on his Harley and rides away. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and rides a Harley Davidson!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?" "

[Spit]

Love the Irish pilots joke (at the risk of getting banned and losing my new decent teabag supply route!)

[prospero]

Princess Anne is on a royal visit to a hospital and she is being shown around the wards and meeting some patients. She stops to chat with an old bloke. "What are you in for?", she enquires. "I have an big boil on my arse", he replies. The hospital staff are mortified at this and quickly hurry her on..... The next week the Queen visits the same hospital, but the staff have already warned the old bloke not to be so crude this time.
The Queen stops at the old blokes bed and asks, "What are you in for?".
"Errr..... I have a boil on my leg your Majesty", he replies.
"Oh!", says the Queen. "It's moved has it?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prince Charles is on a visit to a local branch of Friends of the Earth in a little villiage called Much Snivelling-on-the-Wold.
When he emerges from the royal car he is wearing a fox-fur hat. All the members take great offense at this and the whole visit is a PR disaster.
The papers make a meal of the whole episode.

Later on one of the prince's aides has a word. "You'll pardon me for saying this Sir, but whatever posessed you to wear that hat?"
"Well it was my mothers idea", says Charlie. "She asked where I was visiting and I said Much Snivelling-on-the-Wold".

"Wear the fox hat", she said......

[osgood]

Prospero,

Oh bloody heck, stop it............... I did have that accident this time! I can't see my screen now, so much laughing and tears, my eyes are swollen up!

OK, OK, I have shuffled my top three down one space now!

[prospero]

What's got 8 legs, 2 arms, 3 heads and 1 pair of wings?


A man on a horse with a parrot on his shouder.



What's green and got 8 Legs and if it jumps down from a tree on you, you will be dead?


A snooker table.



What's brown, gives off steam and comes out of cows backwards?


the Isle of Wight ferry. (yes I know it should be Cowes)



What's long and pink and very hard in the morning?


The Financial Times crossword.



How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?


A fish.

[Spit]

What's red, but can never be seen?

No tomatoes.


What's brown & sticky?

A stick.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

[Moglet]

Love the Irish pilots joke (at the risk of getting banned and losing my new decent teabag supply route!)

Q: Why are Irish jokes so stoopid?



A: So that ungrateful Welsh-domiciled blow-ins can understand them.

[Ricky]

Some Good Irish Stuff How About A Scottish One

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Och, it's all going magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in,' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' asks Archie. 'That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?'

'Och,' says Jock, 'I'd imagine she'll just be in white.'

[Roboframer]

Oh dear.

I've held back sooooooooooooo much on the Irish jokes.

'tis late though - but just for starters.

(And before I start - Áine - forgot to tell you how I nearly wrote off my car en-route to the Spring Fair - saw a motorway sign - "A34 SHIRLEY")


Difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk!


(Irish girl) "Mum - I'm pregnant"

(Mum) "Are you sure it's yours?"


What does an Irishman call a Welshman with a stick up his butt?

A Taffy Apple


(Murphy) "This is a cock up"

(Bank Clerk) "Don't you mean a stick up?"

(Murphy) "No - Oi sawed da rong end off me shatgun!"


Irish tap dancer? Fell in the bath

Irish Morris dancer? Fell off the bonnet

Irish River dancer? Drowned in the Thames

Irish guy, left his landing light on? Next day - planes all over the place.


Did you hear about the Irish guy that thought ........................


Bugger all was a big house

The Royal Enfield was where the Queen kept her chickens

Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch footballer

Johhny rep was a condom salesman

Pubic Hair was Brer Rabbit's cousin

Sheffield Wednesday was a bank holiday

Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

An itchy fanny was a Japanese motorbike

Muffin the Mule was a sexual offence


Nite nite!

[Moglet]

Or the Paddy who thought..

Johnnie Cash was change from a condom machine. (John, I'll PM you a couple that might be a bit risqué for the main forum. - you've probably heard 'em but what the hey!)

Famous Irish lighting specialist?

Seán d'Olier

[Spit]

Q: Why are Irish jokes so stoopid?



A: So that ungrateful Welsh-domiciled blow-ins can understand them.

Miow!

[Moglet]

Q: What do you call a parrot in a raincoat?





A: Polly Unsaturated.

[prospero]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.


Why are there no asprins in the jungle?

The parrots eat em all.

---------------------------------------------------

A woman has a pet parrot. All the parrot can say is, "Who is it?".

One day she goes shopping, leaving the parrot alone in the house. Shortly after she has left, there is a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter", comes the reply.

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter", the man repeats.

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter", the man repeats again....

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter". the man is getting a bit annoyed by now..

1 hour later.....

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter!". The man is going purple in the face by now.

Later still...

"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the gas man, come to read the meter". . The man is on his knees gasping for breath now and eventually passes out unconcious on the doorstep.

5 mins later the woman returns home and is suprised to see a man stretched out on her doorstep.

"Good gracious!" she cries. "Who is it?".

"It's the gas man, come to read the meter", answers the parrot.