Joke Corner

[Dermot]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don’t, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

……………………………………………………

Thanks to Larson Juhl New Zealand http://www.larsonjuhl.co.nz/newsletters ... etter%2008

[Roboframer]

Ray is desperately trying to tie up a make or break deal and is in a five star hotel, ordering drinks for three potential investors. He spots Sir Alan Sugar coming out of a lift, excuses himself and approaches Sir Alan. "Pardon the intrusion Sir Alan, but I was rather hoping that you might help me secure a very important deal. If you would just be so very kind as to speak to me as you pass by my table. A simple Hello Ray, how are you, coming from such a great businessman as yourself, would impress my contacts in a seriously big way" Ray fawned.

Sir Alan says. " I'm impressed by your forward thinking young man and as a self made man, I'm always ready to help out a go getter."

Ray profusely thanks him and returns to his table. Shortly after, one of the marks stutters. "Sir Alan Sugar's here and it looks like he's heading this way." They all stare, wide eyed as sure enough, Sir Alan is making a beeline for their table. He stops in front of them and..."Hi there Ray, how's it going? we must have a drink together soon."

The three guys gape as Ray says..

"F**k off Alan, can't you see that I'm busy?"

[Peter the framer]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[Peter the framer]

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia ?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Roboframer]

Guy tees off - WHAM - straight as a dye down the fairway - lands about 10 ft short of the hole.

Puts his club back in his trolley and walks down to the green, pulls out his putting iron - does the lining up bit, does the shuffling of the feet bit .... just about to go for it when WHAM a golf ball hits him in the head.

Turns around to see a deaf and dumb dyslexic guy holding three fingers up and mouthing 'FORE'!

(This joke is better visual)

[Dermot]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandmother a question if they are not prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded. ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never be anything more than a two bit paper pusher. So, yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?’

She again replied, ’Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he's cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. So, yes, I know him, too.’

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both attorneys to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, ‘If either of you ask here if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

[Peter the framer]

A dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his tail every time the hero was on screen,
and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared.
The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder and says, "excuse me, that dog is extraordinary.
I've never seen anything like it before."
"I'm surprised too," says the dog's owner, "he hated the book."

[Spit]

A 100 years ago, they said that when a black man became president, pigs would fly.

And on the 100th day of Barack Obama's presidency, Swine Flu!