childs view of the bible - this is good

[mikeysaling]

A Child's Interpretation of the Bible

In the beginning, which was near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, " The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden....Not sure what they were driven in though because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy but one of his kids was a bit of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacobwas more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports jacket.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh"s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then ha gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbours stuff.
Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the beach.

There were also some minor league prophets but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barntoo because my Mum is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was".)

During his life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to lifeagain, |He went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Roboframer]

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah!
I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv like .... crowns on their eds an' shit

They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh?
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged if you finks I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

[mikeysaling]

between us we could be bl*****g poets for sarth essex pit see or arlow wotcha fink.

[Perfection]

Well, you Essex Boys don't know Jack Sh*t. Or do you?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

[mikeysaling]

can i quote you on my bible study forum? P L E A S E.

[Roboframer]

Well, you Essex Boys don't know Jack Sh*t. Or do you?

Much better audio/visual!

http://jack.zunino.net/knowjack.htm

[Perfection]

If you guys haven't seen the animal funnies yet - totally hillarious:

[youtube]xaPepCVepCg[/youtube]

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