jewish humour - the best

[mikeysaling]

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the

Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half

remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those

standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones

sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and

commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested

that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the

original founders of their shul. The rabbi hoped the elderly man

would be able to tell him what the actual shul's tradition was, so

he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of

the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is

our tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat said,"Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all

the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"

__________________________________________________

Evening Prayers

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer,

he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little

brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.

Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"

to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"

____________________________________________



Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish

Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is

Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they

call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I

have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving

and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300

Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says..

"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."

_______________________________________________



Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife

has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he

yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It

wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't

Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming.

"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

_________________________________________

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most

of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.. Soft drinks

corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High

fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term

harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we

all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food

causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in

the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

___________________________________________________

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had

waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent

over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her

turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged

within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held

high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up

to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in

bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

[JFeig]

[prospero]

I wanted to be Jewish at one time, but I found I really wasn't cut out for it.


(Sorry. That remark was purely psychosemitic already)

[mikeysaling]

you're never too old!! - BTW did you all notice the context related ads at the bottom of the page!