men never listen

[mikeysaling]

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out the window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen ??????????

[TabbyAnn]

Don`t even get me started on this subject

Why did God create man?

Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.


What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that.


How many men does it take to screw in a light buld?

One, he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.


Okay okay let the bimbo jokes begin!

[mikeysaling]

Blonde Joke
One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off.

With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness...

The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

[TabbyAnn]

New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
All are welcome - Open to men only

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:

Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR

Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts

4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

5) LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming
- Open forum

Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

11) LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1

Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2

[TabbyAnn]

Here`s one you men (don`t say I`m not fair )

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.
Female Procedure:
♪Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.

[prospero]

I heard a story (on the Grumble I think) about a girl (who may or may not have been blonde) who when to a garage to get some 710 to put in her car engine.


Think about it. (Unless you are blonde, in which case don't worry your head about it).

[mikeysaling]

missed it !what is 710 seventen!

[TabbyAnn]

Are you blonde then Mikey?

Though I don`t get that either and I`m multi coloured

[mikeysaling]

muli coloured as well --- different shades of grey!

[Merlin]

Heard that one on the radio yesterday.

[mikeysaling]

and!

[TabbyAnn]

Oh come on its been 3 hours and I still don`t get it

[mikeysaling]

yeh come on i got a cat all over my computer!!

[bilhughes]

upsidedown

[mikeysaling]

lost track of this thread so

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in