bit o yorkshire humour

[mikeysaling]

Yorkshire Wit


Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.


Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."


***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".



***



Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[John]

Ah yes the old Yorkshireman's dog joke.

We enjoyed Roboframer's version so much...
http://theframersforum.com/viewtopic.ph ... rat#p24000

...that he told it again...
http://theframersforum.com/viewtopic.ph ... rat#p30513

...and again...
http://theframersforum.com/viewtopic.ph ... rat#p35692

...and again.
http://theframersforum.com/viewtopic.ph ... rat#p38736

[mikeysaling]

you can't teach an old yorkshire dog new tricks!!

[Perfection]

All of my customers know the Yorkshire Anthem off by heart. Probably because it only has 2 words:


How Much?

[mikeysaling]

was that 'OW MUCH LAD - AND OW MUCH FER CASH'

[Perfection]

Someone actually asked me that very question yesterday and in those exact words!!

He turned out to be my step-son's ex Beaver Leader.

Funny how Yorkshire people just crop up everywhere!

P

[mikeysaling]

amazing - these days its do you charge extra for cash!!! our local petrol station (independant) will not take cash or cheques credit/debit card only - also they fill your car AFTER you paid!! sign o the times eh! No drive aways in this part of essex - if you want to find a fool bring one with you!!

Chief constable of essex is famous for his quip - if you commit crime in essex bring a toothbrush!!!! suppose we could go on about it for ages but one particular b road known to m/c's has virtually a subaru impreza every weekend in the summer and the helecopter returns over that road road from its emergency calls - not worth the risk of speeding - may hit a 160mph subaru

[Keith Hewitt]

Warning Issued By Yorkshire Police:

Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately.

[mikeysaling]

[Roboframer]

Guy goes in to a Jewellers in Weatherby and says.

"A'd laaahk thet t' mek me a statue o' me cat in solid ghold"

Jeweller says "Dun't thee mean thy dog"?

"Nho" says the guy "Me cat"

"Ah think" says the jeweller, "You're in the wrong joke lad - dun't thee reeed t'Framers Forum"?

[prospero]

Man in walking down 'canal bank and he see a little lad fishing. The lad is holding two slices of bread and crying his eyes out. "What's the matter lad?", says the man. "Me mate's fell int 'water", howls the lad. The man whips his jacket off and dives in. After a few minutes of searching about, he comes up for air. "Sorry.", he says. "I can't find you mate anywhere. was he a little lad like you? "No", says the lad. "I meant me mate out me sandwich".

[Perfection]

B*stards!

Essex girl was driving down the bottom of the M1 on her way to Brent Cross for some handbags when her mobile phone rang. It was her man "Hi sugarsweetfairynips", he said. "I was just listenin to the radio innit and the travel bint was sayin how like there's some doffer drivin darn the M1 on the wrong side goin like mint fast in the slow lane"


"Darlin", she replied, "There aint just one, they're all doin it"

[mikeysaling]

not sure how this got on to essex girls but

Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.

[guzzijim]

Word of warning !!

If you employ an Essex girl don’t give her more than half an hour for lunch, if you do she’ll forget her training and you’ll have to start all over again.

[prospero]

not sure how this got on to essex girls but

Q. Why do Essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes go in first.

Also why they have C&A in their pants.

[prospero]

B*stards!

Essex girl was driving down the bottom of the M1 on her way to Brent Cross for some handbags when her mobile phone rang. It was her man "Hi sugarsweetfairynips", he said. "I was just listenin to the radio innit and the travel bint was sayin how like there's some doffer drivin darn the M1 on the wrong side goin like mint fast in the slow lane"


"Darlin", she replied, "There aint just one, they're all doin it"

'Appen thar's gorra a monk on.


(Arm arf Yorkshire thar nors.)

[An Old Master]

Yer can allus tell a Yorkshireman - but not much.

[An Old Master]

Maltby miner's on his way home from 't boozer and feels a bit peckish, so pops in to his local Indian takeaway and gets himself a nice hot curry. Gets home to his little terraced house and the gallon of ale is beginning to take effect, so he puts his curry down on the kitchen table and nips out to the loo for a pee; when he gets back his cat is just finishing off his curry ' Flippin' (?) cat' he shouts and grabs it by the scruff of the neck, dashes into the back yard, fills the bin with water chucks the cat in and slams the lid on. 5 minutes later he's making himself a cheese sandwich and there's a knock on the door; he opens the door and the cat says ' Gorrennymoor watter?'