tommy cooper - if he were alive today

[mikeysaling]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
> it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
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> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
> was a turtle disaster.
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> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"

> I said, "No, permanent."
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>
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
> "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."
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>
>
> I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.
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>
> Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in
my hand."
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>
>
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
>
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
> "No, just a watch."
>
>
>
> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
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> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
>
>
> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said,"You've got cholera."
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>
>
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
> name, it's P something T something R.
>
>
>
> I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
> down.
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>
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.
>
>
>
> The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
> work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>
>
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
> for the custard."
>
>
>
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
> paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
>
>
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
> on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."
>
>
>
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
> outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
>
>
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
>
>
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>
>
>
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
> been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
> managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
>
>
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.
>
>
>
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
> shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.
>
>
>
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar?"
> I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
>
>
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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>
>
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> I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He
> said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[prospero]

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Was that near Hull?

[mikeysaling]

reckon it must have been!

[Roboframer]

Went to the station and asked for a cheap day return

Ticket guy says 'Where to?" I said "Back here, you nimno"