mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

the loudmouth parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
The sign on the cage said $50.00

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad"

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."

[mikeysaling]

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[mikeysaling]

father norton woke up sunday morning and realizing it was a beautiful and sunny early spring day, he decided to play golf. so he told his associate pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say mass for him that day. as soon as the associate pastor left the room, father norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. this way he knew he wouldn't accidently meet anyone he knew from his parish. setting up on the first tee he was all alone, after al, it was a sunday morning and everyone else was in church.at about this time st peter leaned over to the lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed 'your not going to let him get away with ths are you' the lord sighed and said 'no i guess not'. just then father norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it , rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A HOLE IN ONE. st peter was astonished , he looked at the lord and asked 'why did you let him do that' the lord smiled and replied 'whos he going to tell'

[mikeysaling]

Subject: 10 first place winners in International Pun Contest


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,'
he
said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to Spain ; they named him 'Juan'. The other went to family in
Egypt and was named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade'
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good!) 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

10. And finally... there was the person who sent ten puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Bill Henry]

Don't quit your day job!

[mikeysaling]

no problem there bill - my day job is framing and that a walk in the park ! I'll try and find some funnier jokes for you! how bout this to be going on with

An old man was talking to his friend.

"It was my 75th birthday yesterday and my wife gave me an SUV."

"That's an amazing gift," his friend said, "you must be really pleased."

"Not really," said the old man, "Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[mikeysaling]

I've seen a few

A Professor has found that there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men. There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches while erect. The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

All men in the UK with extremely small penises are urged to make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars.

[mikeysaling]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,

'Where did you come from,? How did you get here.?'

She replied,
'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools.?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman.
'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk, leading to an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat, with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,

'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink.?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada.?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave,? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next.?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for.?'
She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...




' don't tell me you've got Sky Sports.?

[barefaced framer]

Just thought you would like to know how your jokes are appreciated.

I know one you have put on here (the Engand flag joke) has been mentioned on radio 4.

I have been passing some of them on to friends and family for their enjoyment too.

Thank you for making me laugh even though my husband from today, is now unemployed for the 4th time in 4 years.

Who'd be an IT contractor!

[mikeysaling]

glad you enjoy them - i started framing when i was made redundant in 92 - i was indirectly involved in IT (i was running computer security for a large (american) bank ) - i can empathise with your hubby - but tell him not to give up if he can't get back into IT his skills are VERY worthwhile in lots of other areas - IT people are in my experience very bright adaptable and resilient - BIT LIKE FRAMERS

wish him the best from us here at the forum - a lot of us have had this nasty experience.

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs..

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[mikeysaling]

Three Ladies in a Sauna


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,'
SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE..

I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TOTHE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[mikeysaling]

England goalkeeper Robert Green is to take over as chairman of BP on Monday.



A spokesman said that "Green is an expert on spillages and helping out America in time of need".

[Bill Henry]

Thank Bobbie for us.

[michelle]

I have tried to attach a link but can't, sorry . If you want a good chuckle go into itunes podcast and watch the " old jews telling jokes" I fell across it and the time just flew by. Very funny.

[mikeysaling]

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next
To a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I
Just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a
Special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
Celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they
Clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
Celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
And today my gynecologist told me that I am
Pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
Farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
But today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your
Chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[mikeysaling]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Keith Hewitt]

the loudmouth parrot

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."

Mike,

As there is more than 1 Keith on this forum may I ( on behalf of the other Keiths) enquire as to which one this refers to ?

[mikeysaling]

my lips are sealed - got this in confidence hands up all keiths that have a parrot!

[mikeysaling]

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey
house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats
lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire. A
group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived
on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire. Six Albanian,
gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the
state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died. But the middle
aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived
the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists,
black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at
the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British
white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic
'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were
raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and
within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson,
Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to
jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their
report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to
be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let
the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any
further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to
intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch
with the feelings of the whole East London community! A large motorcade of
representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove
to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.
They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on
the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV
interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the
Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the
white couple survived.

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ... "Because they were both
at work."

[mikeysaling]

THE HEART ATTACK

>> > A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from >> > the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
>> > dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty >> > Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe
& she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door
and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around playing hide and seek with the kids!!'