mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

man goes into a music shop 'have you got any sheet music' ?

deaf assistant ' yes, but only 4 beats beats to the bahhhh'

[prospero]

Mouse goes into a music shop and says, "Have you got a Mouse Organ?"

Assistant says, "That's funny. You are the second mouse to ask that today".

"Oh", says the mouse. "That must have been our Monica"

[mikeysaling]

Marriage Humour:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'



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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



----------------------! --------



Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'



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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '

[mikeysaling]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.


"What are you doing?" She asked.


"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.


"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.






Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"


He responded, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.

[mikeysaling]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"


The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*




(Wait for it.)



*



*



*

(It's coming.)



*



*
(Ya ready?)








(Don't hate me!)






(Yer gonna hate me!)





* (Take a deep breath)










" He should've quit while he was a head!"

[TabbyAnn]

Super Hero Joke!

Super Man was just flying around one day minding his own business, when he looks down....
There below him lying Stark Naked on a roof top is Wonder Woman!

Now, Super Man has fancied Wonder Woman for ages. So he hovers for a while, then takes his chance. He zooms down and faster than a speeding bullet, does the business!!

Wonder Woman sits up, "What the hell was that??"

"I don`t know" said the invisable man "but it hurt alot!!"

[mikeysaling]

lucky i read that and didn't hear it while using my guillotine that would have hurt a lot too

[TabbyAnn]

A health warning may be needed for this category

[TabbyAnn]

WARNING Stand clear of sharp objects before reading the following!

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again.

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"

[mikeysaling]

think i'll put these on the local church website - vicar likes a good round of golf!!

[Roboframer]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion........

This reminds me of the one where the baby was just an ear - Mum & Dad say they'll raise him just like a normal child and the doc says the bad news is - he's deaf!

[Roboframer]

To cheer the England fans up a bit - Fabio has arranged a game they should win - against Iceland.

If they do win they'll play Tescos and Sainsburys

[Roboframer]

The bonsai tree shop next door is doing so well that they're moving to smaller premises.

[prospero]

Unfortunately the Pet Shop has had to call in the official retriever.

[mikeysaling]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.



He finally located the origin and finds it is coming from the grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! (As you do!!)



Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.



By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.



By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.





Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

>
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"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker, "He's just decomposing!"

[prospero]

An Italian guy is at his wife's funeral. He is very distraught and keeps howling "Whatama a gonna to do? Whatama gonna to do?" His friends try to comfort him. "Don't upseta yourself Giovanni. Time is a great healer...." But he is inconsolable. "Whatama a gonna to do? Whatama gonna to do?" he keep saying..... But his friends continue to offer words of comfort. "Who knows... After a while you might meet someone and get married again". "That's alla very well", says Giovanni, pulling himself together a little. "But whatama gonna to do tonight?"

[mikeysaling]

The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her�

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more!'

I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....

(You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!

[mikeysaling]

One Wish
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,

'The Lord said. 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?



Married Life



On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, "and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a PRIEST up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a LAWYER???"

[TabbyAnn]

[TabbyAnn]

A nun is taking a long relaxing soak in the bath when theres a knock at the door,
"Whos there" asked the nun
"Its the blind man" came the reply "Can I come in"
The nun thought about it, then said "Yes you may come in"
The door opened....
"Nice tits" said the man "Where do you want the blind?"