mikeys time wasters - things to do or ponder on

[mikeysaling]

MAKE SURE YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FIRST!!

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on
November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the
Netherlands .

Take a look at HEMA's product page - just wait a couple of seconds and
watch what happens.
DON'T click on any of the items in the picture; just wait.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer
programmer, who has too much time on his hands.

http://producten.hema.nl/

[mikeysaling]

Germany will win the World Cup, at least according to the numbers.





VERY INTERESTING:



Brazil won the Cup in 1994, before that, the last time they won was in 1970. If you add: 1970 + 1994 = 3964



Argentina won the Cup in 1986, before that in 1978: Add together 1978 + 1986 = 3964



Germany last won in 1990, before that in 1974, thus 1990 + 1974 = 3964



If you follow this logic, one could have guessed the winner in 2002, which means that it would have been the winner of 1962



Check it : 3964 – 2002 = 1962 – YES INDEED THE WINNER IN 1962 WAS BRAZIL





So lets have a look at who will win 2010 in South Africa?



Here is the answer: 3964 – 2010 = 1954



THAT’S RIGHT GERMANY DID INDEED WIN IN 1954

[Roboframer]

Well, that's that theory buggered!

[mikeysaling]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead give-away.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[mikeysaling]

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that
during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right
to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire ?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 2,500,000 illegal immigrants
wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a
lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 300 years,
And we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments
Posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this --you cannot post
'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of
Lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a
hostile work environment.

[mikeysaling]

wedding1.jpg (77.05 KiB) Viewed 13304 times

wedding2.jpg (117.79 KiB) Viewed 13304 times

We have no idea WHAT he sees in her !!!

[mikeysaling]

this is amazingly clever

[youtube]42E2fAWM6rA[/youtube]

there is a critique available on YT

[philipsheldon]

Are their any jokes about Picture Framers, Mikey ? There's a challenge for you. I can't find any !

[John]

Try "extreme framing" on YouTube

[mikeysaling]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. When he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:

Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[prospero]

[prospero]

[mikeysaling]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book. It's called .........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring..

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.



8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.


9 My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'


11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.

[mikeysaling]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there. (my personal fave!)

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them


I use to brag about my six pak abs.
Now I have twelve pack abs.
I got this body lifting weights. Twelve ounces at a time.


I used to be perfect,, but now I'm humble.

[mikeysaling]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

[mikeysaling]

this would get the little darlings to school quicker - great for drivers with limited ability - its only got 2 gears so very fit for purpose

rover1.jpg (111.93 KiB) Viewed 13216 times

rover2.jpg (96.64 KiB) Viewed 13216 times

[mikeysaling]

You'll be shown 12 photos in the first part,
You'll be shown another 12 photos in the second part,

You'll be shown 48 photos in the third part and asked if you saw them in the first part, the second part - or never saw them at all.
When you have finished the third part, your results will be given to you..

Click http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ ... ns_1.shtml

[mikeysaling]

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy
class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth
.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "the second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but
it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

[mikeysaling]

three things to waste your time with (hope i havn't done these before)

send your name to mars http://marsparticipate.jpl.nasa.gov/msl ... dyourname/

daffy duck parachute jump http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

air force test http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

[mikeysaling]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/ ... senses.swf?