mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

there was a joke that i lost somewhere

american chat up line

nice tits - get in the car!!

[mikeysaling]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task and some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.





The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door..







The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?





The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.





Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.







The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...








...silver, topaz, and amethyst.








Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .












The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.







DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

[barefaced framer]

[philipsheldon]

Mikey...

That's the best joke since I last saw the England Football team take the pitch ! ( Note - I didn't say play ! )

[mikeysaling]

Little johnny was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician, etc.

However, little johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so
the teacher asked him about his father. Reluctantly he replied, ?My
Dad's an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, hell
go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let him shag him.?

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some
colouring and then took Little johnny aside to ask him, Is that really
true about your father??

No, said johnny . father plays football for England, I was just
too embarrassed to say that.

[mikeysaling]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
>
> The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
>
> The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
>
> "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
>
> The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
>
> "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
>
> The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
>
> The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
>
> The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[mikeysaling]

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's
iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."

[mikeysaling]

New Words for 2010

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking b****cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, carps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the carp out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

[prospero]

You missed out 'Beer Goggles' Mikey.


Also 'Dinosaur Curry'.




(Megasaurass. )

[mikeysaling]

ok i'm listening

[prospero]

[mikeysaling]

i remember those - got me in a lot of trouble when i was younger!!!

[mikeysaling]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

[prospero]

I was waiting for: "Here's that sick squid I owe ya". But that was a different joke.

[mikeysaling]

there was a picture to go with this - not in good taste though

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[mikeysaling]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[mikeysaling]

Painting the Church

There was a Dublin painter named Paddy the Painter who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the parish priest decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of the Church.

Paddy put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Paddy was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Paddy clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.







Paddy was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..






"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

[mikeysaling]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.






All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!



He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.



'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.



The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'



Immediately, there was the answer.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.



As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,



'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.



There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............







You'll like this (or perhaps not!)























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN

[KraftKool]

When I want a laugh I can read these over and over as I can never remember the punchlines

[mikeysaling]

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY


Angus lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones..


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Scots wife Jeannie of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, Angus threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .... off" she said, "they're for the funeral."