mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.



Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

[mikeysaling]

My Australian friend woke up today and sent me his best wishes for the remaining tests, or that is how I interpreted his comments afte removing the swear words. What he would do to Ponting would be very painful, but he did send the following


A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked."In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt, and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer"."That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"



"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

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[mikeysaling]

another cricket one

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Ryan Harris put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat


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[mikeysaling]

three jokes - one a blonde one ! sorry in advance

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."

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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

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[mikeysaling]

three jokes - one a blonde one ! sorry in advance

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep... You wake him up."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

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[mikeysaling]

joke ? maybe not

This chap thought he had the best tattoo in the world


By mikeysaling at 2010-12-22

until he was sent to prison

[Graysalchemy]

Love that one

[mikeysaling]

something to offend everyone - so be broadminded please

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous
for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called
Winston!'

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly
a plane......

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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's
true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her
purse.

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped
me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a ** e?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess
darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must
admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a
piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

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THE FOREHEAD DOT

Finally, someone has explained this.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion,
but the Indian High Commission in London , has recently revealed the
true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he's
won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a
motel in the United Kingdom . If nothing is there, he must remain in
India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical
support.

[mikeysaling]

The Girl Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.




Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[mikeysaling]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong,
the ship sinks, and there are only 3
Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.




They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.





After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.






She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.







It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.






Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









So, they buried Susie.

[mikeysaling]

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctor’s.


'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.


'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.'


The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.


'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.


'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.


'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.


'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'


'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.


'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'


'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.


'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'


'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'


'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'


'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor,





SCROLL DOWN



KEEP GOING








This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... .....




















'Your mother must have been a carrier'

[mikeysaling]

Celibacy can be a choice, or a condition imposed by circumstances. Attending a Marriage Advice Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, heard the instructor declare: 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men: 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Ken tenderly touched Janets arm, and whispered, ' Homepride, Plain, isn't it?' And thus began Kens life of celibacy.

[mikeysaling]

Bob, a 60-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[mikeysaling]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''
''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.
''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.

[mikeysaling]

This boy is as quick as a flash!!!


A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old codger wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[mikeysaling]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hatover his private kit. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!

[mikeysaling]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor ' s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby ' s first exam.
>
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
> 'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
>
> ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
>
> 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
>
> But I'm glad I came.'

[mikeysaling]

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?'
He replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?'
He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'
The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

[mikeysaling]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[mikeysaling]

How the Internet started:-

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they wil rreply
telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered,
arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay
as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate
things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating everything

(GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.



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