mikey's jokes

[mikeysaling]

I was in Starbucks yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.-

[mikeysaling]

from tony's new book

I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50p!" I fired back..

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"
And I'd yell back "50p!"
One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and
Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.
I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for 50p?"


=

[mikeysaling]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday
> evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler
> he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked
> through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
>
> The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
>
> At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
> another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler
> said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
> excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
>
> The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
> check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
> now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
> ring up Monday afternoon.'
>
> On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
> 'There's no money in that account.'
>
> 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
>
> See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
>
>
>

[mikeysaling]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter, he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning, the man rushed in exclaiming,"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later, the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified; the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

[mikeysaling]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[mikeysaling]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going. “I’m on my way to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife."

[Roboframer]

Next day the same guy is stopped by the same copper for throwing white powder from a bag all over the place.

"What the ..... do you think you're doing"? Says the cop

"It'sh anti alligator powder"

"Idiot - there's no alligators in Braintree"!

"I know, bloody good shtuff innit"!

(Old, I know)

PS.

Mikey - it's taken me this long to realise it's MikeySALING and not MikeySAILING - only because I worked out the name of the place where you live.

[mikeysaling]

AND - no alligators in Saling either !! so its really good stuff!

[mikeysaling]

Men with earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about
his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long
have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

[mikeysaling]

A young Arab asks his father:
"What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"
"It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"
"And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"
"It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"
"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"
"These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"
"Tell me, papa..."
"Yes, my son?"
"... Why are we living in Preston and still wearing all this sh1t?"

[mikeysaling]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.



Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."


"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[mikeysaling]

Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end..

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied,
'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...

How soon can I go home?'

[johnwphotography]

Hi Mikey,
We all love the jokes but please start a new topic with Mikey's new joke, to save us wading through all those pages. The Forum could really do with displaying the latest offering first for these. Keep 'em coming.JW

[John]

Mikey,
Please keep on doing what you are doing.


johnwphotography,
To save you from "wading through all those pages" in order to arrive at Mikey's latest gem, the forum offers two options.

• When in any topic, at the bottom of the page there is a box that allows you to view the posts in either ascending or descending order.
• A more permanent solution can be found in your user control panel: click Board preferences then Edit display options and you will be able to set the order that you would like to have the topics and post displayed.

Either way, your wading days are over.

[mikeysaling]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGING PORRIDGE YET


R

[mikeysaling]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your private parts are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!!"

[mikeysaling]

Seamus and Jimmy, two Newfoundlanders, got a pilot to fly them in to Labrador to hunt moose.They had great luck, and managed to bag four good sized moose.



As they were loading the plane to return,the pilot said the plane could take only two moose.The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot four. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four moose were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Seamus and Jimmy survived the crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Seamus asked Jimmy, "Any idea where we are?"



Jimmy replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[mikeysaling]

don't be ungrateful

40 years of marriage.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but
my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful buggers should remember fairies are female.....

[Dutton & Grant]

Emailed this to husband, Brilliant

[mikeysaling]

welcome back ann!

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