first christmas joke of the year

[mikeysaling]

havn't put this in the mikey joke section so you can easily find it and have a quick giggle whenever you like

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Graysalchemy]

[Dutton & Grant]

AND THE SECOND......

Santa visits the Doctor.. "Doctor I`m afraid I have a mince pie stuck up my bottom"
The Doctor has a look "Yes you do indeed have a mince pie up your bottom. But don`t worry, I have some cream for it"

Ha Ha.... Now look what you`ve started Mikey!!!

[Howard]

AND THE THIRD

Mary decides to join a silent order of nuns and becomes sister Mary. After 5 years of total silence the bishop calls Mary to his office and says "Mary, you have been a good nun you may say 2 words only", Mary thinks hard and says " hard bed" Oh dear says the bishop, I'll sort that out for you. Another 5 years pass, again called to the office, bishop says"Mary after 10 years still a good nun, you may say another 2 words" Mary thinks and says "cold food"" Oh no" says the bishop" I'd better get that done" Yet another 5 years pass, in the office, bishop says "Mary it's been 15 years now, you can say another 2 words,Mary says"I quit" "It's probably for the best" says the bisop "you have done nothing but complain since you got here"

[Howard]

AND THE FORTH

Woman gets onto a bus with her new born baby, driver says "good God thats what I call an ugly baby" She picks up her ticket and sits next to a man at the back of the bus,"That driver was so rude to me "she tells him"He was so insulting" "Go back and complain to him" he says "I'll hold your monkey"

[Dutton & Grant]

And at No 5.....

Santa`s Bad Day
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Roboframer]

When I was about 8 my mum was listening to me saying my bedtime prayers on Christmas eve ...

".... and bless mummy and daddy .. and please can I have a red raleigh chopper for Christmas"

Well, my mum told me that God did not work like that, and she explained to me how he did work.

So, I stole a red raleigh chopper and prayed for forgiveness

[Dutton & Grant]

Fantastic Robo

[Dutton & Grant]

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[mikeysaling]

blondes are great - cause they get dirty quickly

brunettes are better - cause they are already dirty!

BOOM BOOM

[Dutton & Grant]

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Howard]

Dont want to upset anyone but can I scan a christmas card and share it with you lot , copywrite and all that.?

[mikeysaling]

go for it

[Howard]

Hope this makes you laugh

[mikeysaling]

yes worth posting ! thanks howard

[mikeysaling]

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers
'your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate
$100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word
of the Lord. It must not be changed.'

'Well,' says the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.'

'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it
must not be changed.'

The Nescafe guy says 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect
your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it.'
And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news.


The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'


'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.


'We're losing the Hovis account.'